If You Rearrange The Letters, DMV Spells Hell

Sir? May I see your license, please?

As the line at the audiologist’s office began to grow behind me, I fished through my wallet looking for my driver’s license with the frustration and disbelief that only those who are OCD enjoy.

It wasn’t there.

I almost never lose anything.

I looked again. Nope.

“Ma’am, it’s not here. I’ve misplaced it,” I said, refusing to believe I had actually lost it.

Fortunately, coughing up a co-pay and an alternative form of ID got me in.

I flunked my ...

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Can You Hear Me Now?

As a kid, I remember old people being hard of hearing. When I say old, of course I mean people who were older than I am now. The men would cup their hand behind one of their ears, turn toward you and ask you to repeat what you had just said.

I was a radio announcer for over 20 years. Wearing headphones six days a week, five hours a day has obviously taken its toll. I don’t hear well now.

At first, ...

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Men Are Idiots

Let’s face it, men are just idiots.

Despite the best efforts of most guys, we are going to do something aggravating or stupid, whether we like it or not. Women already know this, and they don’t like it either.

There really should be a class in elementary school just to teach boys things to avoid so that one day, when girls no longer have cooties, they’ll know what to do. For some reason, this wisdom is not imparted to young men, so ...

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Automatically Automatic Now

When do I automatically become adjusted to everything being automatic?

The first time I ever saw an automatic faucet was at a Luby’s. I’d gone in to wash up before digging in to my LuAnn Platter when I noticed the sink had no handles.

I looked around to see if Alan Funt had his Candid Camera hidden somewhere, but didn’t see him or a camera.

As I pondered how to get the soap off my hands with no water, a fellow came up ...

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Homemade Coffee Has Its Perks

Some will consider what I’m about to say heresy.

For the life of me, I cannot understand why people wait in long lines each morning to pay $7.50 for a cup of coffee.

My wife and I get up each morning and plug in a percolator that was made when Kennedy was president. This percolator makes the best coffee, bar none, of any I have ever tasted.

While we’re getting dressed, it bloops the water into the crystal glass handle on top. After ...

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My Pet Peeves

My biggest pet peeve is that not enough people share my pet peeves.

If only the rest of the world could understand that it’s the senseless little things that they do that drive the rest of us over the edge.

I have more pet peeves than this space has room for, so I’ll limit my list, lest one of your pet peeves might be a lengthy newspaper column.

The pet peeve that currently tops my list is when a cashier hands me my ...

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You Should Still Open The Door For A Lady

I still open doors for women.

I believe that most women still appreciate chivalry. Sure, there are some who, for one reason or another, don’t want men to do anything for them that they can do themselves, but by and large I notice a genuine appreciation when I show respect to a lady.

Even at my age, if my father saw me going through a door ahead of a lady, not opening a car door, not offering my umbrella in the rain, ...

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People Just Need To Chili Out

In Texas, saying “I’m putting beans in the chili” are fightin’ words.

If you want to start an argument in the Lone Star State, all you have to do is say you’re a Steelers fan. If you want to start a fight, you can disparage John Wayne, or you can serve beans in your chili.

Those of us who grew up in Arkansas were pretty particular in how we made our gravy, but not so much about how we made our chili.

I ...

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No Pressure Infomercials

I have become a connoisseur of infomercials.

Those of us who don’t sleep well know about a world of entertainment that those who do sleep well don’t. Infomercials.

The vast wasteland of middle-of-the-night TV is laden with products you didn’t know you needed.

And, just like TV shows, infomercials have a regular season. Infomercial season begins around Thanksgiving, peaks prior to Christmas, and continues through January.

I’m especially fond of the ads that feature any type of cooking device. A conical-shaped cooker that looks ...

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A Realistic New Year’s Resolution

My New Year’s resolution is to eat more.

I have no idea whose idea it was to start the New Year with an unrealistic commitment, but this year I’ve decided to set an achievable goal. So, I’m going to eat more.

Sure, there will be times when I’ll fall off the wagon and eat less, but unlike previous years when I promised myself I’d eat less and then ate more, 2015 will be different.

For those of us who frequent Facebook, one of ...

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