Everything I like is bad for me.

When you’re a kid, grownups give you candy and cookies and ice cream. When you get older, people younger than you try to take all that away.

My doctor tells me the same thing every time we visit.

“You need to lose about 25 pounds, watch the fat and sugar intake, and let’s see if we can get this cholesterol under control. I want to see you again in six months. That’ll be $100.”

I’m considering mailing him $50 next time and staying home.

Honestly, I have the best intentions when it comes to taking care of myself. Someone recently gave me one of those cash gift cards and I thought, “This would be great to use on some of those expensive vitamins I’m supposed to be taking”.

And then I saw that beer was on sale.

What I don’t understand is why everything that tastes good is bad for you. Ranch Dressing tastes great, but it’s bad for you. That’s why I put it on salads, so that the bad and the good cancel each other out.

People try to sell me on the merits of eating fruit. I agree that most fruit tastes good, but you have to admit that a banana is a whole lot tastier when it’s cut in half and covered in three scoops of ice cream, Cool Whip, nuts and a candied cherry.

My wife is a great example for all of us. She eats all of the right things and takes care of herself. Every now and then, she will lightly encourage me to consider what I’m eating and point out how taking better care of myself would serve me well.

She’s right. But, she’s also the same person who watches the Pioneer Woman fry steaks in a cast-iron skillet with a pound of butter. That TV show is a good deal for my wife. She gets to live vicariously through the Pioneer Woman, all while eating yogurt and torturing me with visions of stuff I’m not supposed to eat.

Back to my doctor. I’ve tried to reason with him that taking one small pill a day for cholesterol is far easier and more acceptable than walking on a treadmill and eating bananas and salads. He’s not buying it. Some people are just hard to reason with, I guess.

My next appointment with him is coming up, so I’m already psyching myself up to try and drop a few pounds and check my blood pressure regularly before I go see him. I don’t know why I do that. It’s a lot like trying to clean the house up a little before the maid shows up.

But, I do need to try and take better care of myself, so I guess I just need to focus and pay attention to what I’m eating. Maybe I can learn to read labels and understand how much is too much when it comes to fat, carbs and salt. I could get one of those apps for my phone that keeps up with it for me.

Maybe tomorrow. Today, I’m having chicken fried steak with gravy, mashed potatoes and gravy, biscuits and gravy, and pie.

If you’re my doctor or my wife and are reading this, what I meant to say is salad.

©2014 John Moore