It’s the man’s job to mow the yard and it’s the woman’s job to plant stuff in it for him to mow around.

I honestly believe that the things that men have to dodge and duck while we mow are the direct result of something we’ve done to anger our wives.

Drive down any street and find a yard that is overloaded with holly bushes, and you’ll find a guy inside that house that’s about two years away from appearing in an episode of Forensic Files.

Since I was a kid, I’ve been baffled by the randomness of the placement of trees, flowers and shrubs. At age 12, I mowed yards for as little as $1 or $2, but I had to push my lawnmower around $10 worth of headaches.

Mrs. Bone (yes, that was actually her name) was the pickiest of my customers. After tying my lawnmower to the back of my bike and dragging it across town, with a bicycle handle in one hand and a gas can in the other, each time I’d arrive I’d find something new planted in the yard.

This woman was a widow, but she was obviously still mad at the guy.

When I first got married, we bought a house with a nice open yard with pretty green grass. What’s the first thing she did? Dig holes and plant stuff. She spent most of her time adding an obstacle course to the yard while I spent most of my time mowing and weedeating around it all.

It reminded me of the web that a black widow spider builds. It’s a nice looking home, but the male and female live solitary lives, meeting only to mate, after which the female eats the male.

Much like a holly bush can devour a grown man.

Men can’t remember what color socks they’re wearing, but women never forget anything. Every time a man makes a mistake, it gets added to a list in the woman’s head. When that list reaches a breaking point, she begins planting things. This is a protective measure that women use since murder is a capital offense.

So, here’s my advice to the single guys out there. When you become engaged, only list one thing for yourself on the bridal registry.

A lifetime contract with a lawn service.

©2014 John Moore