One-Ply Toilet Paper and Other Unexplained Phenomena

Life is full of unanswered questions.

It seems that there are just some things that we’ll never understand.

I’m not referring to ‘What is the meaning of life?’ or ‘Is there life on other planets?’.

I’m referring to things such as single-ply toilet paper.

For the love of all that’s holy, why was this product invented? Better yet, why do people buy it? When I mistakenly come home with a 12-pack of single-ply toilet paper, I look up and ask karma what it was I did this time.

Single-ply toilet paper is a payback for something bad I’ve done. I’m sure of it.

A related item that deserves to be explained is cheap paper towels. When I’m trying to clean up a mess or wipe my mouth after a nice, large bite of a bratwurst with spicy mustard, I don’t want to grab for a paper towel and have a piece the size of a quarter come off in my hand. While the mustard drips down my chin onto a freshly pressed shirt, I quickly tear five more times at the paper towel, only to wind up with five additional quarter-sized pieces.

My attempt to wad them up into a useable ball to catch the mustard before it drops further down to my pants always ends in a fail. Someone needs to reveal the reason that cheap paper towels exist.

Oversized potato chip bags also need an answer. Chip manufacturers aren’t fooling anyone when they put nine potato chips in a bag the size of a 50-pound flour sack. We know you’re ripping us off. What’s the purpose of putting so few chips in the bag, anyway? Hey, I’m obviously not a health nut. I’m buying potato chips. Limiting my portion size isn’t going to slow me down or stop me. “Oops, only nine chips in here. Guess that means I have to quit now.”

We have five remote controls in our living room. One for the cable box, one for the TV, one for the DVD player, one for the VCR (yes, we still use it sometimes) and one in a drawer. The one in the drawer is the universal remote I bought to eliminate the others, but I couldn’t figure out how to program it. It now sits in the drawer somewhere near my old Walkman. The person who invents a true universal remote deserves the Nobel Peace Prize.

I also wonder why people who make devices that require charging can’t just sit down over a couple of beers and come up with one plug for everything. During family get togethers, I watch as folks fight over plug space because no one uses the same charging cable for their device.

Imagine a world where one plug works on any cell phone made during any point in history. An iPhone 3 charger would work on an iPhone 6. But, it doesn’t. There are at least five old phone-charging cables I couldn’t bring myself to throw away sitting in the drawer with the universal remote and the Walkman.

All of these things will likely never be resolved. At least not in my lifetime.

In my will, I’m not leaving the kids any money. They’re all getting a lifetime supply of decent toilet paper and paper towels.

©2015 John Moore

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