Let’s face it, men are just idiots.

Despite the best efforts of most guys, we are going to do something aggravating or stupid, whether we like it or not. Women already know this, and they don’t like it either.

There really should be a class in elementary school just to teach boys things to avoid so that one day, when girls no longer have cooties, they’ll know what to do. For some reason, this wisdom is not imparted to young men, so consequently, we all grow up to be annoying husbands.

Let’s start with weight loss. When your wife comes to you and nicely suggests that you both could stand to lose a few pounds, you should say yes, because that’s what she wants you to say. The problem with losing weight with your wife is that three days into the diet, you’ve lost five times the amount of weight she has.

I learned this during the Atkins Diet craze. It seemed like the perfect diet to me. Eat bacon, lose weight. Hey, I was in. However, after a few days, one morning I waltzed into the kitchen and proudly announced I’d lost five pounds, then asked how many she’d lost. I could tell by the expression on her face that she had not lost five pounds. She muttered something about smothering me in my sleep, and after that I didn’t bring it up again.

Men also have poor memories. Well, not exactly poor, but maybe more like selective. Men can recite the dialogue of Tombstone verbatim, but we can’t remember our kids’ birthdays. We don’t do this on purpose, but women think we do. And defending yourself against a bad memory is fruitless. It doesn’t matter what you say, you’re just digging yourself a deeper hole. When she says “Stop making excuses, you just don’t remember, do you?”, then do that.

Men don’t watch soap operas for a reason. Women are caring creatures by nature, so they share a lot with other females. When a wife begins to tell a husband about the ongoing sagas of the families of her friends, men tend to glaze over. When an update occurs, we realize that the last time we heard about Suzie’s lousy boyfriend whose car was repossessed, we were reciting the dialogue from Tombstone in our head instead of listening, and now we can’t lucidly respond. Instead of acting as if you know what she’s talking about, just own it, and say “Refresh me on this, will you?”. You’re busted, but it does lessen the blow.

Men are oblivious. A woman can mope for three days about something and its only when she sets fire to the sofa that we finally ask “Is everything OK?”.

“How could you not notice that I cut my hair and dyed it orange on Monday!?”, she’ll ask incredulously. Again, there is no good response for this question because likely, you were frying bacon and watching Tombstone. Just say you’re sorry and that you think she looks gorgeous.

For safety, you can always respond to anything she says with “Hey, you look like you’ve lost some weight just in time for our kids’ upcoming birthdays. How’s Suzie’s boyfriend doing?”

©2015 John Moore

To read more of John’s musings, visit johnmoore.net/blog