He’s a stupid idiot.

If some future civilization discovers our ruins and writings, I’d highly doubt that even a Rosetta Stone would help them. Between redundancy, poorly crafted metaphors, and oxymorons, they’ll never figure us out.

Recently, I was working in my shop on a John Deere lawn tractor that had taken ill, when an ad came on the TV set behind me claiming that something was ‘new and improved’. How can it be both? I guess it’s just as possible as someone being a stupid idiot. I thought most idiots were inherently stupid.

A ‘TV set’. This reminds me of a ‘pair of pants’. You only get one, so why is it a set or a pair?

Someone who has skeletons in their closet is known to be someone who has something to hide. But honestly, if someone has skeletons in their closet, that’s probably something they’d want to hide. I know I would.

They call it a ‘building’, but why? If it’s already built, shouldn’t it be called a ‘structure’ or something different? I vote for structure.

Somehow, ‘fat chance’ and ‘slim chance’ are supposed to mean the same thing. Fear not, I’m sure political correctness will soon eliminate one or both from the lexicon.

Our bodies also have some issues. Our feet smell, but our noses run.

We join ‘self-help groups’. Huh? I also find it ironic that bookstores have a self-help section.

We ‘flag’ things. Normally, when I see this happen, there are no flags involved.

Our games are misnamed. ‘Pinball’ should be what we call bowling. ‘Bowling’ should be what we call making pottery.

Shouldn’t we call bedrooms ‘restrooms’? Since most people shower these days instead of taking a bath, I also vote we get rid of ‘bathroom’. Let’s call it the ‘washroom’. That should fix it.

People say they’re going to ‘jump in the shower.’ I would not recommend this highly dangerous activity. Standing still is the way to shower.

We also have lots of awful things that we like to use as compliments. ‘Awfully good,’ ‘awfully nice,’ and ‘awfully pretty’ don’t sound very good, but we sure have no issue sending them as a bright sounding verbal gift. We use the word ‘terribly’ in much the same way.

Somehow, people think it’s also possible to ‘think out loud,’ have a ‘sanitary landfill,’ or possess a ‘small fortune.’ I’ve never had any size fortune, but would be happy to give any variety a try.

When we decide we want to dine out, we can order a ‘veggie burger,’ or a ‘ham steak’ with a ‘mild jalapeño,’ cooked ‘medium-well’. We can also get an ‘extra-large’ pizza.

You would think that an extra-large pizza would be much bigger than it actually is.

People describe themselves in various states of dress. One supposedly can be ‘half naked,’ or ‘half dressed’. I can see how either half could prove embarrassing in a public setting.

Maybe we should all sit down and try to fix the language, just so that if our civilization somehow winds up being covered by the sands of time, our descendants will be able to understand who we were.

Or, maybe I’m just a stupid idiot.

 

©2015 John Moore

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